Vampire Repellant, Meet Tunnel of Love: An All-Natural Yeast Infection Remedy

By Anonymous Guest Writer


I would like to talk about a very sensitive topic…literally: yeast infections.

On average, I get a yeast infection about once every other month. Most of them are minor, but once a year, I will get the mother of all yeast infections and be in terrible, horrible misery for weeks (WEEKS!) on end. These seemingly ceaseless infections have followed me for just about 7 years; however, it feels like an eternity.

I have visited multiple doctors, tried many remedies, and know more about yeast infections than most physicians. A few years ago, one doctor suggested that my yeast infections could be a symptom of diabetes. No. Maybe it was bacteria and not yeast? No. Maybe it was a different type of yeast and I needed more than just Diflucan? No. Maybe it’s your hormones and you should try a new type of birth control? Been there, switched that, no luck! After years and years of yeast infections, I inevitably and begrudgingly gave into my fate: I am forever going to be plagued by awful yeast infections.

During a particularly bad yeast infection, I decided to again visit my doctor. The Diflucan I had taken two days prior seemed to have zero effect and I was beginning to lose sleep over an itchy lady-town. I wish I was kidding when I said that the male on-call gynecologist came back after looking at my sample and declared that I had “more yeast than a bakery.” But really, have some manners–this is my special girl we’re talkin’ about!

Anyway, my next thought was: how in the world can I fix this? Of course, the doctor just prescribed more Diflucan and sent me on my way. But I turned to the Internet, searching for a hippie remedy that could soothe even the most savage of beasts. After some Internet soul-searching I decided to try something…erm…uh…different: putting a clove of garlic into lady-town over night.

Now, it should be made clear here that I am NOT one prone to try hippie remedies, and I was horrified at the thought of shoving vampire replant into my tunnel-of-love…but I was willing to try anything. And I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. That night I decided to do the ol’-garlic-up-the-vagina trick. I mean, what did I have to lose? I read the directions online and followed them that evening. When I awoke the next morning, I felt pretty good. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but thought that there really might be something here… At the same time, I would have to admit defeat to a hippie remedy, something I am not usually willing to do.

Well, now I swear by it. I haven’t been back to the doctor with a severe yeast infection in over a year.

So–How to do your own, at-home, anti-itching-hippie-yeast-fighting-remedy:

  1. Buy one head of fresh garlic.
  2. Divide it into cloves. Choose a chubbier, larger clove.
  3. Cut that clove in half, making sure that all the flaky, outside skin is off. A diagonal cut is best because it exposes the most “juices”… gross, I know, deal with it.
  4. Insert that puppy into lady-town before bed. Note: the exposed juices may burn a little bit if they touch the outside part of your love machine. This is simply due to the acidity making contact with your now-irritated lady parts. The irritation should not last long, but don’t let it make you hesitate with putting the clove in, cause once it’s in, you will feel better.
  5. Remove the clove in the morning and repeat nightly until symptoms are gone. Make sure that when you remove the clove, you do so as gently as possible. If you have long fingernails, you may end up scratching yourself and causing more irritation.

Side notes:

  • One of the main reasons this remedy should be done over night is due to the fact that you can TASTE garlic in your mouth after inserting it. Yes, taste it.
  • If you are nervous that you will “lose” the clove, I read that you can sew a piece of thread through the end of the clove so that the end of the thread will hang out, much like a tampon. In the morning, you can remove the clove just like you would a tampon. I am too lazy to put that much effort into it, so good luck.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. If your itching continues or does not seem like a “normal” yeast infection, please, please, please go to the doctor to make sure that it is not something more serious.


2 responses to “Vampire Repellant, Meet Tunnel of Love: An All-Natural Yeast Infection Remedy

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